The Break-Up
by Lady Sosostris
Summary: There are some verifiable, indisputable facts in the universe, such like the apple on a tree will only fall downwards. Gravity. More facts: the ex-pyromaniac, loved her more than anything. She had changed his life for the better. She was his saving grace. You can add all these facts up but the result was still the same: she had broken up with. When did he stop listening to her?
1. Real Thing

**A/N: **I don't own Alice Gakuen. I was feeling very melancholy, and here are the results. I hope you enjoy it? This is my summer writing project; I will be posting a chapter every day.

**Chapter 1: Real Thing**

* * *

She was the only real thing in his life.

No, seriously.

Mikan Sakura was the only real thing in Natsume Hyuuga's life.

'Real thing'? What does that even mean? It meant, to Natsume Hyuuga, everything in life was dull, meaningless and empty without Mikan Sakura: to him, she was the only person truly tangible in this world, the only existence he cared about more than his own. Life without her was simply Monet without colours - drained away, the flowers wilting, the sky a void and the lake motionless.

Seriously.

Natsume did not remember much of his childhood, yet at a young age he was sent to a psychiatrist for his pyromanic tendencies. All he could remember from his childhood was being alone and hating his neglectful parents. Serina, his psychiatrist, who he had been seeing for over 12 years now, told him every so often as a child that his pyromania stemmed from social issues with his parents, and his deep rooted desire to annihilate them.

As a child, Natsume was horrified to learn of the demons that resided within him. He did not want to become the monster everyone thought he may become, so, he took his therapy seriously and went to all the fire safety and prevention classes Serina had recommended.

Yet sometimes, he snapped.

Unsurprisingly, Natsume didn't make any friends in primary or secondary school. He was always alone, and his only consistent plan was with Serina, every two days after school. The school worried about 'setting him off', but Natsume did not step a toe out of line: he diligently did his work, and just kept to himself.

No one said it, but it was plain to him that no one really wanted to get close to him. The rumours of his rare but incredibly violent tendencies kept people away.

Yet by the time high school came, Natsume hadn't caused a problem in over two years. Serina was incredibly proud of him. And to his delight, his aunt had just given birth to a little girl, Aoi. He spent most of his time babysitting his little cousin instead of going back home.

He was 17. Aoi was 2. He was taking her for a short walk in the park near his aunt's. There, he saw Mikan Sakura. It wasn't the first time he had seen her; she too was a student of Alice High. Mikan Sakura was popular; everyone enjoyed spending time with her and her cheery disposition. People seemed to find her refreshing in high school, as she didn't really seem to care about what other's said, she recognised early on that life was much larger than high school.

Mikan had noticed him, to his surprise. She was the one who started a conversation.

"Hey Natsume! And who is this gorgeous little girl?" she had crouched down to pinch Aoi's cheek. She looked back up at him with a sly smile, "Is she yours?"

"No, she's my cousin."

"I was joking, silly!" She looked at Aoi with an amused expression. "Your cousin is so silly."

"Na-chan no silly!" Aoi had reprimanded Mikan. "Na-chan is my best fwend!"

They got talking, and whilst Aoi was haphazardly throwing mouldy bread to the ducks in the pond with her left hand (Natsume held her right hand) Mikan asked whether he'd be interested to join her and her friends to Central town next Saturday. So, she took his number, and texted him the details.

He met her friends. Luca, Hotaru, Sumire and Shin (more commonly known as Koko). He would meet more of her friends as he got to know her better. But more importantly, as he got to know her better, he started to fall in love with her.

By the time he was 18, she was his, and he was hers. He had lived 18 years without her, but only after he had met her did he feel like he was here for a reason, and not by some one in a trillion chance. He loved her as much as a human could love; she compensated completely for his lonely childhood. The soulful and philosophical voice of her eyes were deeper than the deepest wishing well; the smell of her skin was sweeter than the rain; the sight of her mouth was intensely erotic; the taste of her was simply the elixir and most importantly, the texture of her small but accommodating heart was unbeatable. It was home. Nothing in existence equaled to her.

_When did you forget? _

But this isn't about how they fell in love. Because they truly did fall in love - it was perfect. Nothing can be said about the perfect.

This is about how they broke up.

Nothing is perfect.

All Natsume knew at that moment was that Mikan had just left his one-bedroom flat. She had left him. He felt his breathing suffocating him - _no, no, no, this cannot be! how can breathing kill you, no, no, no, this cannot be__** - **_and stumbled to the phone. Speed dial 1 was Mikan. Speed dial 2 was Pizza. Speed dial 3 was Serina.

For the first time in four years, Natsume pressed number 3.

"Natsume?" It was past office hour times, but Serina always answered important calls. "Are you alright?"

"Serina. Serina." He fisted his left hand, and beat his chest, hoping it would help his breathing pattern to stabilise. "Serina. I. I. Serina. She's gone."

"Natsume. Do you need someone to come over?" Her voice was forcefully calm: a true mark of a psychiatrist dealing with a raving patient.

"Serina. She left. Me." He felt he was being squeezed by the weight of existence, and by the universe itself.

"Listen to me Natsume. I am going to come over. Don't go and buy cigarettes. I absolutely forbid you to go buy cigarettes right now."

"Okay." he croaked out. He grasped his hair in desperation.

"I'm going to call Luca. I'm going to ask him to go over to yours now. Open the door for him, alright?"

Most of his friends knew about his past difficulties, and knew that he went to therapy every so often. Serina had deemed him to be stable, but Natsume continued to go, as he liked Serina - it was more a habit more than anything else. Serina in turn knew a lot about his friends; Natsume often spoke of them. She knew that Luca lived in the same apartment as Natsume.

No more than five minutes later, Luca charged in Natsume's room (he had the spare key), to find Natsume on his couch, an absolute mess.

Worriedly, Luca sat down next to him, and pulled him up. "Natsume! What happened?"

_When did he forget? When did he forget about how deeply he felt for Mikan? When did he start to take Mikan for granted? When did he stop listening to her?_

_When did she stop loving him?_

Only now that she had left him for the first time did he realise how lonely his world truly was.

* * *

**A/N: **This story is going to be pretty intense. That's a fact.

Please drop a review?

Updating tomorrow :)


	2. The Break-Up

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 2: The Break-Up**

* * *

_Earlier that day_

"Why do you bother with this stuff," Natsume grumbled, as he flicked through the booklet, "it's all nonsense anyway." He regretted agreeing to help Mikan revise. Mikan read theology at her university, a subject that was the polar opposite to his own. Whilst physics was all about laws, logic and facts, theology just seemed to be about different opinions said by stupid, delusional megalomaniacs. "You're not even religious. It makes no sense why you would find this remotely interesting or relevant."

"Natsume." Mikan sighed, exasperated, closing her eyes wearily, "I have my finals in a few days. You promised you'd help me." Mikan had dark circles under her eyes, and her general skin tone had been slowly crumbling to an ill grey colour. But Natsume didn't notice; he was more concerned about the many pages in the booklet. Many pages of bullshit.

"I can't believe you're paying so much a year to learn this," Natsume voiced out, flicking through the booklet, "I mean, the 'Old Testament scholars'? These men and women justify they're studying rubbish by calling themselves a scholar?"

"Natsume." Mikan interrupted, clearly annoyed. "Are you going to test me or not?"

"Why bother," Natsume yawned, "just make some bullshit up in the exam. You'll pass for sure." His attention now wavered towards the television. They were in his flat, seated on his sofa with Mikan's book and notes strewn around the couch.

It was a cooking show; the chef on television was making a summer salad, when suddenly Mikan burst into tears - worse than tears: a raw, wet sob erupted from her, and before she could stop herself, she threw the limp booklet in Natsume's hand violently onto the floor.

"Fuck you, Natsume! Fuck you!"

Startled, Natsume stood up, in hope to calm Mikan down, "Mikan—"

"_Don't _touch me!"

"What the hell did I do!" Natsume shouted, just as loudly, outstretching his arms out innocently.

"_Everything!" _She cried. Her loud sobs subsided at this point, when she sadly mourned, "Everything…" Still crying, Mikan started to collect her notes, booklet and paper pad from around the couch. Natsume's heart started to beat at this point - Mikan was supposed to stay the night. One of the problems his parents etched into him was that he was terrified of people leaving unexpectedly.

"Mikan. What are you doing?"

Mikan didn't answer him. Natsume felt his hands sweat.

"Mikan." She didn't reply. "Mikan," he grabbed her arm.

"_Don't touch me!"_

Natsume started to get scared. She was making him feel like a monster, as if he had just hit or abused her. "Mikan, stop, please—"

Mikan clasped her shoulder bag now that she had finished packing everything. She finally turned to him with tears streaming, along with a runny nose, "I'm sick of this. Natsume, you don't listen to me anymore. You think you have the answers for everything, and congratulations! You probably do. _Everything_ I say to you these days is nonsensical. You don't care about what I say anymore. You used to love discussing matters with me, Natsume! Now you only criticise everything I _say or do_. Yes, Natsume, theology is based on opinions. Opinions of _humans_. You dismiss humanity so casually, in such a cruel way. You think my passion for the metaphysics is a huge waste of time. _Thank you, Natsume. Thank you. _It's so encouraging to know that my boyfriend has my back."

"Mikan—"

"No! Let me finish, Natsume, goddamit! You - you - last weekend," last weekend, Mikan had organised a conference at her university about the Israel-Palestine conflict, inviting ambassadors from near and afar, getting the press involved, "you were the only one who didn't come. Yuu came all the way from Osaka for god's sake, and you couldn't come, just because you _don't believe _the conflict has anything to do with religion -"

"It doesn't!" Natsume exclaimed, "It doesn't, it doesn't! Why can't you see that religion is simply acting as justification for all this genocide—"

"If you came to the conference you would know that _I_, Natsume, yes _I_ believe that too! That's why it's important! Looking at the situation from a religious perspective is crucial—"

"Why are we arguing about this? The whole world is arguing about Israel and Palestine, why do we have to—"

"We're not! Natsume! I'm upset because you didn't come to support me on Saturday! But more than that, Natsume - these past few months with you have been an absolute _nightmare!_"

That was when Natsume felt sick. Mikan's words punched him in the gut, in a way that was so palpable that he actually had to sit back down on the couch.

Nightmare?

"You don't listen to me anymore, Natsume! You don't care! I bet you haven't even realised that I have been so, so, so incredibly stressed this year: my finals are draining the life out of me; the job market seems more vicious than the Hunger Games; my general future is so daunting, yet every time I try to speak to you about all these problems and worries I have, you just _dismiss them!_ You dismiss me. You simply laugh at my degree - 'oh, it doesn't matter if you fuck up,' you say, 'because no one cares about theology anyway! Oh, no shit, Sherlock, of course you can't find a job as no one will employ you with a theology degree anyway - but don't worry, because I'll provide for you.' Well guess what Natsume: I care!"

"Mikan," Natsume begged, "please stop."

Mikan cried harder. "Natsume. I'm… I'm so unhappy recently. And I don't think you've noticed one bit. Not at all."

Mikan sat down next to him on the couch, and shakily held his hand.

"But… we're happy…" Natsume quietly said, in hope to reassure himself. He needed to hear Mikan say it now. "We're happy… we're going to graduate soon, find a flat together, and I will work—"

"Natsume… didn't you hear anything I just said?" Mikan held his hand tightly. "I'm not happy. I don't want you to provide for me. I want to be someone who can sustain herself by herself."

"But… I have a job promised. I'll take good care of you -"

"Natsume. You're still not listening to me." Silence ensued. Natsume felt absolutely shell-shocked; his exterior looked calm at that moment, yet he knew sooner or later he was going to vomit.

"Natsume…" Mikan forced Natsume to look at her, by slowing pulling his chin towards her. "I love you so much, but recently that's just not enough anymore."

"No, no, no. Please, no."

"I'm sorry," Mikan sobbed, "I'm so sorry." She squeezed his hand tightly before she stood up.

Natsume couldn't move. He watched her go.

She turned around once more, before she closed to door behind her, to say, "My exams finish next Friday." Six days time. "Call me then?" Her last sentence to him was more than a question - it was a watery plea; a plea that he will call her after part of her stress would be lifted so they could talk. Talk about what they should do next: to stay together, or go different paths. It was also a test to see whether Natsume really cared enough to make amends: to see whether he truly did listen to her or not.

Natsume said nothing.

Mikan closed the door, and popped his spare key through the post.

* * *

**A/N: **My writing will be simplistic throughout, which in itself is ironic due to the intensity of the subject matter.

Only 10 chapters in this story! Updating everyday.  
Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter :)

Replies to reviews:  
**StarElsie**: I know it's sad… but it will only get sadder from here, dun dun dun! Thanks very much for your review.  
**Miki chan**: I will be updating everyday, and thank you for your kind words.  
**Darkang3ld**: Thanks for following. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
**Kirei Aoi**_**: **_Thank you for the love confession. I'm sure in due time I will come to love you too (hearts). Joking aside, I'm glad you liked my first chapter. Hope this one didn't disappoint. If it did, I promise it gets better!  
**Spials of Happiness**: Updating everyday, friend. Hope you enjoyed it!  
**3**: Thanks for the review! I'm so glad you're excited. Let me know what you thought of this chapter.  
**BlackMaskedBeauty**: I like your elusive penname. Anyway, thanks very much for the review. Hope you liked this chapter as much.  
**Mystique0831**: Voila! Here's what happened next… I guess, not really, as this is 'earlier that day'…. Ah well, you know what I mean. Hope you enjoyed it!

This story will deal with theological, scientific and philosophical ideas. Can science and God ever be friends?

In the meantime can I recommend you guys to read 'The Hollow Men' by T.S. Eliot?

Love, LS


	3. Confidential

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 3: Confidential**

* * *

Natsume had vomited once, and dry-heaved most of the night before exhaustion had taken over him. Finally, at 1am, Natsume was fast asleep in bed.

Luca tiredly poured Serina another cup of green tea.

It had taken Luca and Serina a good hour to calm Natsume down, and once he had, he dealt with his argument from Mikan very inwardly: he no longer spoke, or moved for that matter, instead he just simply stared at his ceiling blankly.

Luca was glad Natsume was finally asleep, but dreaded to see what he would be like tomorrow morning when he remembered everything that had happened.

"You think he'll be okay?" Luca asked. Luca vaguely knew the answer to his own question - he just wanted to speak, and not be silent.

"Well, I can't really discuss Natsume with you as he's my patient. Confidential. But as a friend of Natsume's…" she sighed, "Break-ups hurt no matter what. Whether or not you have a psychiatric disorder. But, of course, it may be more intense for someone like Natsume. Not to mention he has a deep fear of abandonment. I just hope he won't start again."

By that, Luca knew she meant starting fires and meddling with arson.

"I don't think Natsume remembers how to be without her." Luca said.

"Oh no," Serina shook her head, "He remembers clearly. That's another reason why he's so distraught. Before Mikan came along, he was a ghost. This probably feels like climbing back into a cold, empty but familiar grave to Natsume."

Luca mournfully sipped his tea. "I knew I should have told him."

"Told him what?"

"The girls have been saying for some while that Mikan was depressed." Luca admitted. "I tried to ask Natsume about it, but he insisted nothing was wrong. I suppose he was just oblivious to it. I should have just firmly told him instead."

"If he didn't pick up on it, it's not your fault. It's his fault. There should only be two people in a relationship, Luca."

But they were Natsume and Mikan! They were supposed to get married, have babies and grandkids! They were the couple everyone measured themselves against. They were simply Natsume and Mikan - they couldn't have broken up, no, how could they! The universe was on their side after all; such couple could only be separated surely by death…

_This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
Not with a bang but a whimper._

Little did Serina and Luca know that Mikan was crying in her room that very second, wondering whether Natsume finally understood. After months of feeling nothing more than an extension of Natsume (a third arm, or third leg of his), she was exhausted, and trying to familiarise herself with _herself. _

_Who am I? What do I want to achieve in life again? __I don't know anymore._

But Mikan couldn't help hold her phone tightly as she cried in her bed, holding onto the hope that Natsume would call.

Sometimes love isn't enough.

* * *

**A/N: **Short chapter, I know. But most chapters will be very short and to the point.

Thanks all for your reviews:

**StarElsie**: Yes, this is a sad story. I'm sorry! But suffering helps us become better people… I think. Still not sure if I agree with that wholeheartedly. What do you think? Thanks for your review.  
**Mystique0831**: Thanks again for reviewing! Nice to know I'll have a constant reader. I'm glad you feel sorry for the both of them, and not just Natsume (i.e. the one who got dumped). Hopefully hear from you again!  
**CryingIsMyFriend**: I'm continuing daily, fear not. Thanks very much for your review!  
**Nananachelle**: I'm glad you think this is 'beautifully depressing'. I hate the idea of glamourising depression, but perhaps strong emotions are somewhat beautiful in literature due to their intensity, palpability and the fact that they are relatable to every human being? Who knows. Thanks very much! I hope you enjoyed this chapter too.  
**Spirals of Happiness**: Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad my writing is up to yours taste. I'm glad you think there are so many emotions in my writing – I'm writing really simplistically, but it's good to know the emotions are there. Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!|  
**Darkang3Ld**: Did it get better again? Haha just kidding, friend. Thanks again for another review! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Hope this didn't disappoint, and see you again tomorrow!  
**MitsukaiYuki**: Love is _definitely_ not enough in a relationship. Oh yes, I said it. Natsume's glaring mistake in my story is that he has love, but no respect for Mikan. He thinks himself better (more of that will come up in following chapters). I'm somewhat tired too of the 'fantasy love' you talk about – gives us all such high expectations, which is never good. Especially as most marriages, the ultimate symbol of love, end in bitter divorce… Anyway, thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it! Hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
**3**: Thanks again for reviewing! I hope you loved this chapter too! Hopefully you'll be reading this chapter over and over again despite the length. Thank you, and see you tomorrow!  
**AiramEnayle**: Yes, poor Natsume. But surely poor Mikan too? She's been very neglected by her boyfriend of late, and it all just snapped it seems. Let me know whether you think Mikan deserves some sympathy by the end of the story, as Natsume may or may not make some silly mistakes along the way... Thanks for reviewing!

Allusions to T.S. Eliot! Hope you spotted it :)

Love,  
LS


	4. Facts

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 4: Facts**

* * *

Natsume woke up at exactly 7am, like he did every other morning. Natsume was a square; he was meticulous, with sharp and precise 90degree corners. He knew the facts. Facts had helped him in his difficult and unstable childhood, as they grounded him, reminding him that there are some things in the universe that cannot be changed. These facts pushed any fantastical thoughts about a God away from his mind - funnily, it made him forgive this imaginary figure he had prayed to on many occasions as a child, as now he understood why he never got an answer.

Facts soothed Natsume.

Yet when did he become so self-righteous? When did the facts begin to pump him with hot air?

He had lost the ability to differentiate between 'appreciate' and 'believe' - just because he didn't believe something, didn't mean he couldn't appreciate it. When did he lose that ability? He thought he knew all the answers, and brushed away anything outside of the meticulous and ordered square. Including Mikan.

How didn't he even notice he had made her feel this way? Worse, for months and months on end?

Natsume suddenly smelt coffee.

Someone was in his flat.

Thinking it was Mikan, Natsume quickly rolled out of his bed and headed to the kitchen. His heart raced - she had come back! Come back to him!

It was Luca.

"You alright?" Luca looked concerned for his friend. He also looked as if he didn't sleep much.

"No." Natsume truthfully answered, disappointed, feeling empty again.

Natsume silently drank his coffee and ate breakfast.

He was now gazing at a photo of himself, Aoi and Mikan, stuck onto the fridge with a magnet.

Luca left at nine for a lecture, but promised he'd be back to check up on Natsume. Natsume's physics exams had ended three days ago, so he had nothing to do but brood and sulk. This was exactly what Serina was worried about - she had enough confident to say he would never touch arson again, and she was right. No matter how traumatic last night had been for Natsume, pyromania was in his past now: it was his way crying for help as a child. Not to mention, causing havoc caused his parents embarrassment, which to Natsume was akin to revenge.

Now he was alone with his thoughts, he now experienced a feeling he had never felt towards Mikan before: resentment.

He wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to feel the same way he felt last night: alone, completely alone, drifting without destination in a void.

_Burning burning burning burning_

_With the fire of passions, say I, with the fire of hatred, with the fire of infatuation, with birth, old age, death, sorrow, lamentation, misery, grief, and despair are they on fire._

Then, realising in time how dark his thoughts were turning, he quickly speed dialled Serina.

"I don't want to hurt Mikan," he cried into the phone. "I'm thinking about revenge again. Help."

He loved her. He shouldn't want to hurt her. The fact that he had even contemplated something so cruel made him scared of himself.

Serina suggested that he come to the office, so that morning he went.

The next five days were his nightmare. Natsume went through periods of feeling so incredibly alone and depressed, to the point sometimes he experienced panic attacks, to then feeling incredibly angry at the whole situation. Then, after thinking something cruel, he would feel intensely guilty, and so the cycle viciously continued. And for once in his life, he felt Serina did not understand - _only Mikan, only Mikan knew him and understood him like the back of his two hands._

_But she had hurt him so much._

_But at the end of the day, she was all he needs to know and she's not there._

_But she broke up with him._

_Because he was a bad boyfriend._

_But she hurt him._

Friday was a bad day. His resentment overshadowed his guilt.

Friday came and went. Natsume did not call her - some very childish part of him insisted that if they were to talk on the phone, she should be the one calling him. After all, _she_ broke up with _him_. Meanwhile, whilst Natsume brooded over this over and over again, Mikan did not go with her fellow theology students to celebrate the end of exams, instead, stayed behind, watching over her phone. But Natsume did not give her a chance to answer.

* * *

**A/N: **Guyssss! I'm so happy by all your positive feedback! Thanks so much.

**StarElsie**: Will this have a happy ending? Only time will tell… ;) Thanks for the review!  
**AiramEnayle**: You're right, two wrongs don't make a right. A problem isn't solved with a problem. But what happens when real, human emotions are involved? Logic is sometimes forgotten with emotions are involved. Thanks so much again for your review! Really appreciate it, and love how you are engaging with it!  
**Mystique0831**: I'm so glad my writing conveys all those emotions to you! I guess my summer writing project is going well. And I agree with what you said – they, especially Mikan, need their space right now and to be able to think individually, and not as a couple.  
**darkang3Ld: **Sorry it's short today too. In fact, I think most chapters are going to be just as short… Sorry 'bout that. Your comment about the 'typical male' made me laugh. Indeed, indeed! Hope you enjoyed today's chappie.  
**Kirei Aoi**: Yay, I'm so glad to hear that! I suppose ten chapters are quite short, but I'm doing this for my summer project, writing concisely and intensely, and just thought I'd share it with you guys to get some response, y'see. Glad people are liking it so far. Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!  
**MitsukaiYuki**: Hurrah for long reviews! Hurrah, hurrah! Oh wow, no divorce? Would you mind if I asked where you are from? Yes, well, here in the UK divorce is disgustingly expensive and time-consuming. Yes, so, as you somewhat feared, Natsume did not call Mikan. You wrote: **With Mikan, he became more confident, too confident for his own good that he was blinded by his confidence with himself. **That is _exactly _right! Hope to see another length review sometime soon.

Again, allusions to T.S. Eliot, and Buddhist Fire Sermons.

Love,  
LS


	5. Not Simple

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 5: Not Simple**

* * *

Three weeks later, Mikan's grip on her phone was finally loosening.

Now university was finally done, and she had gotten the results she had always dreamed of, Mikan used all of her energy, thoughts and time to find herself a job. Hotaru and Sumire worried for her, but they knew Mikan's crazed insistence of driving hours away for a job interview had something to do with her breakup with Natsume. She was keeping herself busy, throwing herself into the deep end, in hopes that it will distract her from the truth that she was no longer with her soulmate.

Not that Hotaru or Sumire blamed Mikan for breaking up with Natsume. They both knew how she had struggled these past few months, overshadowed by Natsume's exponential arrogance and future prospects.

Natsume on the other hand threw himself often in his bed. Gone was the resentment and back was the depression. No more panic attacks though. It was just as if his shadow spoke to him now, constantly reminding him that he no longer had his true counterpart, only to be stuck with his shady self.

His job was to start in September. This summer was supposed to be dedicated to finding a new flat with Mikan, and buying furniture and household goods. He mourned for the summer he would never now have as he turned in bed.

The doorbell rang. No longer did he torture himself to even think for a second it was Mikan. He knew who it would be: Luca, Koko, Kitsune-me and Mochu.

"Man, you look like shit!" Koko patted Natsume on the back, "Cheer up! Summer in the city means cleavage!"

"We come with beer and pizza!" Kitsune-me smiled. "The only things a man needs in his life."

_Mikan was the only real thing in his life._

"When was the last time you opened a window?" Mochu questioned, somewhat groaning in disgust. "Man, it's so stuffy in here."

"Did you guys really have to come today?" Natsume sighed. "I'm busy."

"Busy? Doing what? Nothing?" Luca raised his eyebrow in disbelief. "Come on, Natsume. We're here for you. That's why we're here today."

"Natsume," Koko put his hands on Natsume's shoulders, and stared intently into his eyes, "repeat after me: I am a strong, independent, good-looking man who don't need no woman."

Natsume pushed Koko away. "Stop it."

Mochu rolled his eye. "Koko, when we said we should make Natsume feel better today, it doesn't mean you should act more dickish than usual."

"I'm fine." Natsume lied.

Three beers later, it was clear to the boys Natsume was not fine, and had not come to terms with the fact that he was single. "I haven't spoken to her in three weeks."

"I haven't spoken to my grandma in three weeks." Koko unhelpfully pointed out, only to be responded by punches from Mochu and Luca.

"I spoke to her every day for four years." Natsume continued, ignoring Koko. "It's just… weird." Weird did not even cover two percent of how he was feeling. He felt lost; disorientated; confused: depressed; and most of all, lonely. She was omnipresent as she was always on his mind. Even outside his mind too: last night, he felt a surge of happiness when he received a call from his seven year old cousin, Aoi, but all too soon she asked when she could see 'auntie Mikan' again. It broke his heart all over again. She was everywhere, yet she was nowhere in sight.

"Well," Mochu swallowed his pizza slowly, "not gonna lie, we all thought it was a 'forever' thing between the two of you. I guess life doesn't go as planned -"

"I've been telling myself that for three weeks." Natsume snapped. "I know that already."

Nothing in life lasts forever. Physics even supported that. Energy is just borrowed. Ultimately, everything you touch dies, and one day you too will die. Natsume knew that. So why for once were facts so hard to believe? Why did his relationship with Mikan have to end?

"Tell me something different; something that I don't know," Natsume carried on, pleading somewhat, "Tell me she's a bitch or a whore for breaking up with me! Tell me I deserve better! Please, just _please_ tell me it's not all my fault!" He loudly slammed his beer on the table, regretting it immediately. He didn't mean to lose control. Quietly, he asked, "Did I really fuck up that bad?"

"Why haven't you called her?" Luca calmly answered.

"You know I hate phone calls."

"That's a bullshit excuse and you know it." Koko sternly said. What Mochu had said earlier was true - he was acting like an idiot, over-talking about breasts and ass, only in hope to make Natsume feel better. Time to drop the act, now that Natsume had dropped the act of actually being okay with his breakup. "You're scared."

"If you hate phone calls, just go see her." Kitsune-me suggested.

"It's not that simple." Natsume insisted.

"This isn't physics, mate." Luca gently said. No it wasn't; physics was easier, as it followed rules, and matters of the heart were ignored. He didn't bother to say that though. "Trust us. Go see her if you won't call her. She misses you too."

That last one sentence lifted Natsume's spirit up to the sky, past the moon and to the stars.

"She misses me?" Dare he believe? Dare he put faith in Luca?

"Of course she does." Mochu said. "How could she not? She misses you just as much as you miss her. So swallow your goddamn pride and go see her!… when you're ready, of course."

Two days later, along with his pill (antidepressant, administered) Natsume finally swallowed his pride and fear. Wearing his leather jacket because it always made him feel like James Dean, Natsume set off. He took the train, and went over what to say to her in his head, as he watched Tokyo roll past his eyes.

_Mikan, I am sorry. I am sorry you felt I wasn't listening to you. I'm sorry I assumed that you would be happy if I provided for you. I forgot for a moment that you have your own goals and dreams. I don't think your degree is nonsense. You love it, and I love you, so there has to be a way I can one day love it too. I'm sorry I got so self-righteous. And for what? I have a mental disorder. I know you hate it when I criticise my mental disorder, or when I use it against someone or something, but even without it, I still have a pretty lousy personality. Either way, what I'm trying to say is that I had no right to treat you with such arrogance. Especially when you always treated me as your equal, even back when we were 17, and I was still the friendless loner. These past three weeks have been a nightmare for me. Is this what you meant by nightmare that night? If these three weeks are anything remotely close to how you've been feeling these past few months with me, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. How are you? I'm hoping you are at least a bit sad still from our breakup, because I'm torn apart still. I missed you so much. I ached so bad just to smell your clothes and your cooking on the stove. I see your face in everyone I pass. I am sorry. Can you forgive me? Can I kiss you? Can I touch you? Can you let me love you selflessly again? Will you give me another chance? I'm sorry I didn't call. I was scared. That's the truth. I'm a ex-pyromania who's scared to call his ex-girlfriend, and spent most of these three weeks dry-heaving, depressed. You really hit the jackpot, didn't you? I'm sorry I'm such a lousy human being. I hope you will forgive me, even as I am: the shitty, cowardly and arrogant ex-pyro. I love you._

He remembered the way to her house easily; his feet automatically directed him to his destination, but his heart pumped fretfully; there was nothing automatic there: only raw feelings that twisted and turned sporadically.

He knocked on the door.

His heart shut down when a man answered Mikan's door. A man he had never seen before; a man who was just as tall as him, with inky hair, a tan, and remarkable lavender eyes.

There had to be a mistake. Maybe he got the wrong door. Yet Natsume's eyes didn't fail to see Mikan's shoes by the doorway. The shoes he had bought her last year.

"Can I help you?" the man repeated again.

His throat was so dry, but he managed to croak out, "Is Mikan here?"

"She's in the shower right now. But you're welcome to come in and wait for her?"

"No." Natsume stepped back, feeling bile rise up. "No." He turned away.

"Shall I leave a message?" Subaru Imai called after Natsume, having no idea that this man was the man his sister's best friend had been crying about only a few hours beforehand. "Your name, sir? Sir?"

Natsume didn't answer, and simply just scurried away.

Subaru Imai shrugged, thinking it was typical Tokyo behaviour to leave so abruptly, and rudely. He was in the city to see his little sister, Hotaru, primarily to deliver some crabs first-hand. He had seen Hotaru last night, and she had mentioned Mikan needed some help sorting out her medical records, and asked him to visit her the next day before he left to Kyoto. So there he was, helping out an old family friend.

Natsume decided he didn't feel betrayed on his train ride back home. He just felt hollow, like a rotting pumpkin on Halloween. If anything, Natsume felt angry with himself that he had let her go; let her slip away into the arms of (he assumed) a fellow theology graduate. He probably had the comforting answers Mikan wanted to hear. Not his boring facts.

That was when it finally dawned on him: Mikan and himself weren't _anything_ anymore. The two of them together no longer existed. This simple revelation shook Natsume's core, and again, he felt the universe caving in, directly on top of him.

Meanwhile, Subaru Imai explained to Mikan how he had organised her medical records.

"Thanks, you're the best!" Mikan said, as she flicked through her new and improved records.

"No problem. Just make sure you keep it organised."

Mikan nodded, and filed it away in her study.

"Oh by the way," Subaru called from the other room, "a man rang the doorbell whilst you were in the shower, asking for you."

Mikan's heart leapt hopefully. "Yeah? You got a name?"

"No, he didn't say anything."

Mikan didn't want to cry again about Natsume today. Once a day is more than enough. Besides, it probably wasn't even him. "I bet it was a Mormon."

Subaru laughed.

She found herself crying nonetheless once Subaru had left thirty minutes later.

* * *

**A/N**: A lot of you have projected the 'bad guy' archetype on Mikan. I don't blame you, as my writing does to a great extent make the reader sympathise with Natsume. But I don't think that should necessarily make Mikan the 'bad guy'. The world isn't made up of bad and good people like it is in the movies. Mikan's got her own problems; they may not be as dangerous as Natsume's, but they are still _real_ problems to her. For example: a boyfriend that doesn't take you seriously has no respect for you. Respect is crucial in a relationship. How could she be with someone who in recent times sneered, scoffed and derisively laughed at her? Saying that, she definitely could have broken-up with Natsume in a less abrupt manner. I agree. And not just because he has a psychiatric disorder, because holding that against someone somewhat reeks of blackmail. No, because it would have been beneficial for both Natsume and herself. But alas, matters of the heart are not logical. Not simple.

There! Now that's said and done…

**Darkang3Ld: **A long chapter, yay! Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks again for your review. I really appreciate it!  
**StarElsie**: Unfortunately you won't know whether they get back together until the last chapter… Hope you enjoy the ride until then though! We're halfway there already :)  
**CrysingIswhatIDid**: I'm glad you like this story! Your penname: I like the past tense at the end. Say goodbye to crying, hey hey! Anyway, thanks for another review. Hope you liked this chapter too.  
**Moonalice**: Thank you, thank you! Yes, Natsume didn't call her. His reasons above – do they seem justified? What do you think? Anyway, thanks again for reviewing. See you tomorrow!  
**AiramEnayle**: I agree, emotions usually mess up things. But, sounds weird, but without emotions, we wouldn't really be living. So surely wrong decisions are proof that we exist? Don't get me wrong, there are SO many things in life that I really, really regret, and like you said, I only realise I did the wrong thing when the emotions subside. Yet they happened. I can't do anything about it now. And perhaps Mikan will come to regret her decision too… dun dun dun! Unfortunately, I don't really have any plans to do a Mikan POV, but I think you will all definitely hear her side of the story by the end, so then you can let me know what you think about the whole situation! Anyway, I love love love loved your review! Thanks so much. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

See y'all tomorrow,  
LS


	6. Book of Revelation

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 6: Book of Revelation**

* * *

They were over.

This was not a nightmare.

This was reality.

They were over.

Yet, Natsume couldn't help himself from wandering time to time to the secondhand bookshop on his road, and found himself buying books about theology and philosophy. The more he came to terms that Mikan was no longer there, the more he clung on to her remnants; his most recent being books he had previously seen her devour.

He was spending his Saturday night reading creation stories, instead of joining his friends at an end of summer barbeque party. "You need to get out," Koko had pestered him, "they'll be loads of new people you can meet."

Natsume wasn't interested though, and much to his friends' displeasure, seemed to prefer to mope about and do nothing at home.

He knew there was no point in pining over Mikan, let alone ring her up now, ever since her new boyfriend had opened the door for him. He knew work was due to start in a mere few weeks, so, if he wanted to relax and have fun, this was the only time left. He knew all these things but his pattern remained unchanged.

It really did piss him off how Mikan seemed to be coping fine. He heard from Luca that she had found a job, due to start in October, and that she was planning to go to see her grandfather for the next couple of weeks.

"She seems alright," Luca had told him, not knowing how else to put it. The fact that she had found a job seemed to have lifted her spirits completely; an amateur journalist at a local newspaper, according to Hotaru.

"I bet she does." Natsume had blankly replied.

"But Natsume," Koko had said, trying to make his friend feel better, "there is no one. Trust me, Sumire told me. She wouldn't lie to me."

Natsume had groaned. He hated how his friends were still trying to convince him that he had got it wrong, and that Mikan wasn't seeing someone else. He knew they were probably trying to protect him, but as Serina always said, the truth, no matter how evil, hurts less in the long run. "He opened the front door. She was in the shower. Put two and two together."

"Well, he's not a boyfriend."

"Great. That makes me feel miles better. My ex-girlfriend slept with someone else within three weeks of breaking up with me."

He knew that Mikan was allowed to sleep with other people. Of course he did. They were broken up. Fact. Yet, it still hurt, and it made him angry to think about it. He couldn't help himself. Facts mixed with emotions were never simple.

Natsume turned the page. It had taken Natsume a fair few tries to read the creation stories. The obvious scientific fallacies irritated him, made him bite his lip and fidget.

_People are crazy for believing this shit_, he kept thinking, yet after his fifth try, it suddenly clicked in his brain. The biblical writers did not write the bible for it to be scrutinised by physicists of the 21st century. It was all symbolic, of course, of course! Knowledge made man arrogant, and man's pride alienated him from God. It dawned on him: _his_ arrogance, and _his_ pride alienated him from Mikan, the closest physical description of 'heaven' he could ever have attained in his life.

Suddenly, his phone rang.

"Hello?"

It was Mochu.

"_Hey, man. What's this I hear of you being a pussy and not coming out?"_

"What are you talking about?"

"_The barbeque party of course, you idiot."_

"I told Koko I wasn't going."

"_Fuck that shit. I'm heading there now—"_

"It's 10:30. Surely the barbeque is over."

"_It's a party. No one cares about the barbeque, mate. The real meat comes later. Anyway I'm driving there now. I'm going to come pick you up, so be ready in five minutes."_

"Mochu—"

"_Shut up. You're coming whether you like it or not. So put the fucking Bible down and shave. Five minutes."_

Ten minutes later, an unwilling Natsume climbed into Mochu's car. He quite plainly expressed his reluctance. "I don't even know who the hell Tsubasa is."

"Stop making excuses, Natsume," Mochu answered, as he revved the engine, "yes you do. He was in his third year whilst we were freshers; philosophy degree? Head of Alice Academy's Amnesty International?"

Natsume remembered now. "You mean the shady idiot who we always bought weed from? The one with the dickhead beanie?"

Mochu nodded, "That's him."

Natsume groaned. "I hate him. Why am I going to his fucking barbeque? You know that shady bastard ripped us off?"

"So go take a shit in his toilet then! God, Natsume, I forbid you to speak to anyone, especially girls, with this bitchy attitude."

"Leave me and my bitchy attitude alone. This is why you should have left me—"

"With the Bible? I'm sorry mate, but you're not going to find the answer there. Reading it won't help you get back with Mikan. In fact, I'll tell you the answer: CALL HER."

Natsume grumbled; he had this exact conversation with all his friends, and they all ended the same. "She has a boyfriend."

"For God's sake—"

"Well, at least I can get high tonight." Natsume concluded, and turned to Mochu, "There. Happy? See? I _can_ be optimistic."

"Serina will kill you when you tell her you smoked a joint. It's not like you can keep secrets from her."

"She won't _kill_ me. Stop being such a dramaqueen, Mochu."

A few seconds of silence passed them. Once Mochu came to a stop at a red light, Natsume asked casually, "So who is going to be there tonight?"

The casual tone was clearly forced and Mochu saw right through it.

"Mikan's in Kyoto, you know that," Mochu answered.

"I didn't ask about Mikan—"

"Yeah, but that's all you care about." Mochu replied, with a blasé wave of a hand, "But if you _really _want to know—"

"I don't."

"—Luca, Koko and Kitsune-me will be there of course. Anna… oh, and Nonoko. Hotaru said she might come, but I don't think she will. She hates people more than you. Oh, Sumire's coming of course. That hot lesbian Yuri too. And oh God, you know who else is coming?"

"No." Natsume grumpily answered, trying to highlight his indifference.

"Luna Koizumi."

Even Natsume's interest perked at that. "You mean… Kuonji's…?"

Mochu sombrely nodded. "Yeah."

Everyone knew of Luna and Kuonji. They started dating at the age of 14, and were completely crazy about each other. They were the other couple that people compared themselves against.

Natsume had been reading Plato the night before. Plato's story goes like this: Once upon a time, humans had four legs and two heads, but due to a freak Divine thunderbolt, humans were spilt, meaning they now had two legs and one head. Yet the separation left them feeling incomplete, and both sides wished nothing more to be reunited with each other. This was because they ultimately share the same soul, so, they spend their whole lives trying to find their other half. That is what a soulmate is. (_What absolute nonsense_, Natsume concluded, yet even he could appreciate the sentiment, as it gave a transcendent meaning to why Mikan and himself had been more than just your everyday lovers). Luna and Kuonji were soulmates – if Plato were alive, even he could attest to that.

That was until Kuonji died earlier this year, in February.

Kuonji had been cycling back home when he was hit face-on by a moving-truck. To say it was a bloody death is an understatement – his body had to be completely covered at his funeral, due to it being so mangled. They had all been there at the funeral, and all had witnessed Luna Koizumi sobbing hysterically, "I don't care, please, _please_, just let me see him one more time!" She had begged Kuonji's grieving family, and eventually had to be escorted out for causing too much strain on the mother's heart.

"Must be the first time she's out since… you know," Mochu commented, unwilling to speak of the tragedy, "so if you're going to be a 'moody emo-boy', at least be less of a 'moody emo-boy' around her."

"Fine."

Silence ensued once more.

"Hey, M," Natsume turned to Mochu, "do you think there's any point?"

"What?"

"Like Kuonji. He was about to finish his degree, get a job… and then he just died like that. What's the point of all of that?"

"Seriously, dude. Stop with all these goddamn books. It doesn't suit you."

"No, I am being serious. Do you think there's any point?"

Mochu sighed, but not in a way that signified annoyance. The weight of the question somewhat sank him into his seat. "I don't know. Not really my area, is it?" Mochu had studied aerodynamics at university. "Maybe there is a point. But we both know, scientifically speaking, there probably isn't a point. We live and then we die. We're remembered for a while, and then our memory just rots away along with our corpse and photos."

"No point in life then?"

"Well, not exactly. I mean," Mochu shrugged, "just because I say that doesn't mean I'm now going to crash my car and kill us both, does it? If we both completely believed that there is no point living, dying now wouldn't be a problem. But I don't want to die now, and I'm sure you don't either. And I also don't want to crash my car; I love my baby too much."

Natsume snorted, amused, but nonetheless intrigued.

"What I'm trying to say is maybe there is no meaning in life, but that doesn't mean we don't give it meaning."

Natsume sat in silence, turning the thought in his head. "So, the meaning of life is to give meaning to life?"

Mochu sighed once again. "I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to die, so in case I do, I should do what I want, and not concern myself with all the bullshit in this world." He was slowing down the speed of his baby; they were finally at Tsubasa's.

Whilst Natsume was unbuckling his seatbelt, Mochu continued, "Why don't you ask Mikan? I'm sure she'll have the answers you're looking for, with her theology degree and all."

Natsume didn't say anything as he stepped out of the car.

He should have listened to her. Then maybe he would know the answers to his existential crisis.

He should have listened to her, goddamit.

* * *

**A/N: **So here is chapter six! Theology, philosophy – ah! So exciting.

**StarElsie**: I know, silly Subaru. Or silly author for engineering the whole thing so they don't meet… haha, oops. Don't worry; they will meet one day or another. Thanks again for your review!  
**Mystique0831**: Ah, homework. Those were the days. Wait till you're in University; essays are a pain the ass. Or maybe you won't take English lit like me, the idiot. D'oh. Anyway, I love your opinion; neither are the bad guy, both are just humans who make mistake. Thank you for your review! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I definitely loved writing this chap.  
**ICriedAgain**: Haha, I'm glad this story gives you the 'feels'! I'm a big old baby too, no fear friend, no fear. Hope you liked this chapter!  
**darkang3Ld**: Longish chapter for you today, hope you liked it! Hahaha, do I smell a fellow feminist by any chance? Not that I think feminism is at all about complaining about men are so 'typical', but you know what I mean ;) If so, HURRAH. YES. A proud, self-proclaimed feminist right here! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! See you soon!  
**MitsukaiYuki**: I completely agree with you! So much better to have a temporary broken heart than to feel little, small and insignificant in the hands of someone one you love. Philippines! How exciting. Cool to think my story is reaching out so far. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter.  
**AiramEnayle**: So true! Yes, I completely agree. Maybe the ones we love can only hurt us so deeply. Anyway, thanks again for your review and let me know whether you liked this chapter or not!

SO, the ultimate question: Is there a meaning to life? Is there any point? Let me know what you think :)

I hope I didn't offend anyone religiously. Please remember this is my story, which does not necessarily reflect my beliefs.

Love,  
LS


	7. Lonely

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 7: Lonely**

* * *

Both Mochu and Natsume were surprised when Hotaru Imai opened the door for them at Tsubasa's.

Blinking away his surprise, Mochu acted quickly. "Hey, you made it!" He greeted, smiling at Hotaru.

Hotaru did not return the happy sentiments; instead, she stared at Natsume as if he were one of her specimen in the biology lab. Feeling like a butterfly pinned to the wall, Natsume fluttered desperately, "Hey, Imai. How are you?"

"Fine," came her bland answer.

It was clear to Natsume that Hotaru was probably pissed off at him. Probably for not calling Mikan that Friday. Probably for not listening to Mikan when he had the chance. Probably for being a shitty boyfriend in the first place.

The probabilities were all certainties in this case.

Being Mikan's best friend meant that Hotaru felt all the anger Mikan should be feeling towards Natsume. She did not bother to hide those feelings, evidently.

Curtly, she hissed, "Hyuuga. Nice to see you at a party."

Subtext: Go fuck yourself; you should be at home calling Mikan, not at a party wearing a stupid leather jacket.

Natsume answered, "I didn't want to come."

Subtext: How is Mikan?

She didn't reply, and left Mochu and Natsume.

Mochu whistled, "Well, that was awkward. I thought she was going to stab with you her eyes or something."

Natsume scoffed, "Well, thanks for having my back."

"Anytime Natsume, anytime."

Tsubasa's house was crammed with people, blaring with music, and littered with food and alcohol. Natsume never really enjoyed parties; in fact, he had only been to parties with Mikan at her request. Now he thought about it, this was his first party since New Year's.

He had only been to parties with Mikan.

Luca, Koko, Kitsune-me and Mochu may have all been beside him, drinking beers, talking, yet Natsume was acutely aware that Mikan wasn't by his side then and there. He was the unwanted jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece; he was the useless car without tyres. He was incomplete and unable to function.

He couldn't quite keep up with the conversations, so, he walked down memory lane, remembering how Mikan always noticed when he was feeling a bit lost a party. "You want head home?" she always had asked him at that point. If he had lied and said no, five minutes later, she always had made up an excuse and asked him whether he minded to go home. She always had his best interests at heart.

Now, no one was there to ask him whether he was okay.

Because he was not okay.

Seeing all these familiar faces but not Mikan's made him feel sick; lost in vacuous laughter, swimming in a whirlpool of boring conversations; drowning in the music; and finally, death by alcohol.

It hadn't even been thirty minutes, when he (trying his best to be casual about it) asked Mochu whether he wanted to head back home.

Mochu's answer was to pointedly flick the joint in his hand. "There's no way I'm driving for the next two or three hours, mate."

Koko was drunk. Kitsune-me too. Luca was chatting up Hotaru, who was clearly not enchanted by his pink cheeks and hiccups.

Natsume attention flickered to the joint Mochu was holding. With every suction, the spark glowed; the embers ignited… and with every breath, warm smoke curled from within Mochu.

Heat, smoke and light.

Before he could stop himself, he asked the random man sitting next to him whether he could have a joint too. The man quickly complied, with a wink, in a brotherly manner that reminded him of the mafia.

"Could… could you light it for me?" Natsume asked. "I'm not allowed to touch lighters or matches."

The man's brotherly manner dissolved at that. "Weirdo," he sneered, but nonetheless lighted the joint for him and left.

His friends didn't even realise as Natsume touched the evil cousin of fire. Instead, they were hooting with laughter, Koko making obscene and sexual hand gestures.

He pondered again why people enjoyed this soulless interaction whilst smoking. To forget? To forget that the universe they lived in was a cruel place that didn't give a shit about them?

The religious fool who believes that he has purpose and destiny as God's creation… what blissful ignorance they live in! They are supervised 24/7 by God, who they pray and talk to despite the lack of answers; believing that this entity has a divine purpose for every single living creature, whether she, he or it likes it or not.

What arrogance! Arrogance to think they hold such importance, Natsume viciously thought. _He_ was not the arrogant one here. How could he have ever thought he was the arrogant one pursuing knowledge – knowledge frees humankind! There's nothing arrogant about that.

(His thoughts racing, speeding down a one way street, accelerating—)

At least he doesn't _arrogantly_ think he knows what this 'God' wants, only to tell everyone else what to think and do. At least he knows that the universe _does not give a shit about you._

_I know my place. _

He knows all to well about the extensive number of collapsing stars, failed solar systems and the huge imploding galaxies that all truly exist in this universe. Fact. And lo and behold, there we are! There: in a tiny, tiny, tiny corner of universe, in a petty solar system with only one measly planet that can sometimes support life on some of its surface.

Do people (did Mikan) believe this God, as it said in Genesis, carefully filled earth with species, all of which but 1% are already extinct? What kind of designer is that? A flawed, stupid and uncalculating one; God was simply a product of one narcissistic man's desperate desire to have a meaning in this life, simply to elevate his futile existence.

_There is a reason why I am here! There is a reason why I was born. I have a destiny. _Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! There is no reason why you are here, why you were born, and destiny does not exist.

The universe does not care.

It does not care—

"Natsume," Kitsune-me cat-called, "get me a—"

Natsume didn't bother listening to what Kitsune-me wanted, he just stood up, nodding. This gave him an excuse to leave them all. He'd go to the toilet, and lock the door and think some more, he decided. He was angry yet feeling apathetic all the same.

Without meaning to, Natsume bumped into someone.

"S'cuse me," he automatically apologised.

"It's my fault." Luna's quiet voice softly replied.

"Oh, hey Luna." She was the first girl that Natsume had spoken to that night. "How are you… I mean, you alright? Having… fun?"

Luna answered truthfully. "No."

Natsume knew that being sincere was being kind to Luna. "Nor I am."

He looked into her dull eyes: a lonely cold planet of its own existence, empty and infinite.

"I heard you broke up with Mikan. I'm sorry."

Natsume swallowed. "Yeah. I am too."

"What happened?" Luna did not beat around the bush.

"I was stupid. She was ignorant. Or maybe she was stupid and I'm ignorant. Or maybe we're both stupid and ignorant. I'm not sure anymore. I just know I fucking hate it."

"I fucking hate it too."

Here was someone who acknowledged in this hollow party that the universe wasn't fair.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Natsume asked before he even knew what this meant.

"Yes."

Natsume nodded. Luna put her hand in Natsume's. Natsume hadn't bothered to take his leather jacket off, and nor had Luna bothered to take her cardigan off. They were ready to leave as soon as they had arrived, with each other; two broken pieces hoping to be part of something and whole again.

They walked hand in hand out of Tsubasa's insincere house.

Hotaru saw the whole thing.

* * *

**A/N: **Hey guys. Most of you saw this coming… dun dun dun…

I hope you guys don't hate me too much! Wait till tomorrow and see what plays out :)

OK. I AM SO LATE. Unfortunately I won't be able to respond to your reviews with my update like I usually do. Sorry! I'll probably just add it in tomorrow's chapter. Nonetheless, please let me know what you think of this chapters etc.

On that note, see you tomorrow!

Love,  
LS


	8. Sound of Silence

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 8: Sound of Silence**

* * *

Silently they walked down the street. Luna didn't have a car. She told Natsume that someone had given her a lift too.

"Where do you want to go?"

Luna didn't look at him. "I know a place around here."

What she had meant was a love hotel. Natsume had been in a love hotel only once before; with Mikan of course, as they had both been curious to know what it was like inside. Then, the love hotel had been a source of amusement, as they rifled through the various obscure sex books, and pointed at incomprehensible toys, all whilst stifling their immature teenage laughter.

He stood awkwardly beside Luna at the reception. Surely the receptionist noticed that they were not in love; that they were broken and that they were only here to fill something in their empty hearts.

The room they were given seemed unwelcoming; the deco depraved and the bed loveless.

Silently, Luna started to undress herself.

_Silence as a cancer grows… _

"Shall we put some music on?" Natsume suggested. He needed to hear anything else but silence; his ears were painfully ringing. Ringing, perhaps, to point out that this was a thoughtless, regretful decision.

She did not reply. She was just in her underwear, and she placed herself on the bed. Natsume put the radio on, before he sat beside her.

"Kiss me." Luna softly instructed.

The kiss was crumbly. Her sharp nails were in his hair, pulling. His dry hands touched her bare hips. Suddenly, Luna tried to undress herself further but there was no passion, just cold desperation in her frantic actions.

They were both falling apart, and Natsume just couldn't let that continue. "Stop, stop," Natsume nearly sobbed, "stop."

Luna stopped, and she looked in Natsume's eyes. After a few seconds, she let out a raw cry of absolute desolation.

Natsume hugged Luna, pulling the sterilised blanket around them.

"I miss him, I miss him, I miss him so much." Luna cried, and as Natsume stroked her short hair, he heard her whisper, "I'm so sorry, Kuonji. I'm so sorry."

Should he feel sorry too? Should he be apologising to Mikan for nearly sleeping with someone else? No, he shouldn't, as they were over after all. He owed nothing to her, and he didn't believe this to be spiteful: this was the truth. Even so, he couldn't bring himself to do this: this would not make him or even Luna feel better. Filling emptiness with empty passions only makes the emptiness vaster.

Luna cried for few more minutes, apologising to her dead boyfriend. Perhaps she felt his dead presence there, watching them, judging them…

After she was done, she quietly said, "Thank you for stopping."

Natsume wondered whether Luna had had many one-night stands after Kuonji's death. He guessed yes, and judging by her state, he knew they probably did her no good. But she probably knew that herself, so he didn't bother saying anything about it.

She did not fit in his arms like Mikan did; Luna felt like an alien there. She was not home in Natsume's arms, yet she did not dare to move away, as they both realized that they were embracing to warm their skin, hoping it would warm their hearts too.

The radio played a French love song. They listened to a song they did not understand.

"I wonder what she's saying." Luna commented.

_Si tu n'étais pas la_

_Comment pourrais-je vivre_

Natsume was thinking of Mikan. "I don't know."

Luna laughed. Nothing about his answer or the situation was funny, but Natsume joined laughing either way. They had to laugh, how could they not; the option was to cry.

Natsume felt so far away from Mikan as he embraced Luna. Luna felt the memory of Kuonji fade ever so slightly.

There was no love in the hotel.

Yet neither of them moved, because right now, there was no one else who understood each other better.

Sleep came.

The next morning, Luna hid herself as she changed into her clothes. Neither hid their distaste, and neither said much.

Natsume cleared his throat. "I'll walk you home."

They may have been on the road to their respective homes, but they both knew perfectly well that they were lost, so, they held each other's unfamiliar hands for support.

Happy children ran past them, excited at the prospect of a new day.

"This is me." Luna announced, after they crossed to a small, quaint road.

"Right." Natsume nodded, and slipping his hand out of hers, he put it in his pocket. "Give me a ring if you want to get a coffee sometime." They both knew all too well that Natsume hadn't given Luna his number. Luna didn't ask for it. She didn't want it.

Last night was nothing to bond over.

"Alright."

Natsume kissed her goodbye.

Because this was _goodbye_; she never wanted to see him again, and he never wanted to ever feel the way he did last night ever again.

"I'm done. I'm done." Natsume repeated to himself, as he walked away, "I'm done."

He decided to call Serina once he arrived home. She had been worried for him, as he had not reached out to her for a few days. He confessed to her that he had smoked weed last night, and that he had tried to have sex with a girl who had a dead boyfriend. "But I just couldn't. It just made me feel so sick."

"Well," Serina bristled, "your sex life is no real concern of mine. _However_, I don't like you smoking. End of. It's dangerous for someone with your condition, Natsume."

"I didn't get the itch to start anything. I promise. I just…"

"What is it, Natsume?" Serina encouraged him.

"I've become so detached with everything."

Serina sighed. This again, huh? "Do you want to come in today?"

"I think I should."

"Three o'clock then."

"I'll be talking about Mikan a lot. And Luna."

"That's fine."

"Serina?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think there's a point in life?"

Serina wryly smiled into the receiver. "The real question is Natsume, do _you_ think there's a point? Maybe finding the answer to that will help you through this."

"Maybe."

"I'll see you at three. We'll talk more about your life then."

* * *

**A/N: **Here it is! Honestly, I was going to make them have sex. I really was. But most of you were soooo against that idea! If I ever write this out with better structure/ideas in the future, my characters will definitely be sleeping together. Anyway, here are my replies to your reviews, most including replies from the previous chapter too.

**StarElsie: **Mikan and Natsume will be meeting very very soon! And yes, Natsume did walk away with Luna. Why? Desperation, I suppose. I hope this chapter somewhat made it clear why that happened. Thanks again for your reviews! Let me know what you think of this one :)  
**Darkang3Ld: **Yes, yes, yes! Feminism rocks my socks off. Yes, Hurricane Luna did come… and pass. She won't be appearing in my lil fic anymore. Do you feel sorry for her at all? Or is she just an antagonist? What do you think? Sorry I made you cry, hehe. Thanks so much for your reviews!  
**AiramEnayle**: Fear not friend, there will be a time when they meet again very soon :) I hope you liked my Luna? I really didn't want her to be an antagonist. She's nothing of the sort – she's just a very unhappy human being for the time. Thanks for your reviews!  
**Mystique0831**: Glad my story is teaching you something new! Huzzah. I hope your heart didn't break after reading this… Haha, well here it is! Let me know what you think, friend. Thanks so much for your two reviews!  
**RockingAngels**: Funnily enough, I've asked a lot of people what they think the meaning of life is. I get some really obscure answers sometimes, but the most common is simply to 'give mening to life', as Mochu somewhat tried to say. I suppose the last chapter dealt with the issue of pre-destination, being born for a reason etc. I don't know whether it made you think some more, but there you go! Glad you enjoyed the last chapter so much! Thanks so much for your review.  
**Guest**: Yes, we're so close to the end now! Yes, guys do get very dumb when they're misformed, in FFs and in real life :P Thanks for the review!  
**BlackMaskedBeauty**: I've never actually met/spoken to a Jehovah's Witness, so hello! I hope my story isn't offending your beliefs. I suppose it's here to make others think etc. I don't want to offend anybody; they are just another opinion about existence. And lolol, sorry for making you so negative, as you put it! Please love meeeee! Haha, joking aside, thanks so much for your reviews. I appreciate it so much!  
**MitsukaiYuki**: Haha, your bad feelings! Well, it wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be, right? But like I said in my A/N, I was more than tempted to make it that way. Hahaha, lol, I know, I make myself sound so knowledgeable on relationships too, but that's just nonsense. I really like that quote you sent me! I may or may not use it in future chapters… :) Thanks for the reviews!  
**xNatsuMikanx**: Thank you for your review! Glad you like my story!  
: Here's a tissue *passes on through space and time* Thanks for the review!  
**AnimeMango**: Glad you are enjoying my story! Thanks for the review!

The mystery French song is **'Si tu n'étais pas la' **by** Frehel.**

**TOMORROW'S UPDATE MIGHT BE A BIT LATE! **I live in the U.K., and I've been updating everyday from around 12-3pm. However, as I am going out tonight, I might be updating later, at around 5pm or so. Just to let you all know. See you all tomorrow!


	9. It's Time

**A/N: I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday! I had a bit of a wild weekend, Jesus. Anyway, albeit a day late, here is chapter 9. Sorry it's a short chapter.**

**Chapter 9: It's Time**

* * *

Mikan no longer danced around in his head so passionately. Now, she only danced softly, swaying her arms. Natsume still missed her, but no longer in such an excruciating manner, rather it became a dull and stubborn ache.

An ache he could forget from time to time.

His job marched towards him inexorably.

HURRY UP, PLEASE IT'S TIME.

The summer heat tried to linger on, but it was time. Time for autumn, time to work, time to finally go forward.

Natsume threw away all the metaphysical books he had bought, as he didn't have a use for them any longer. He didn't need to cling onto fantastical ideas to feel close to something that did no longer exist. No, he needed facts; verifiable, accountable facts that were supported by evidence, which in turn kept him on his two feet.

Once work started, a routine started to form. At the laboratory from 9am-5pm every weekday; gym on Mondays and Thursdays after work and appointments with Serina every Saturday morning. Sunday was resting day.

This continued.

HURRY UP, PLEASE IT'S TIME.

Autumn left dead leaves, and winter's chill engulfed Tokyo, taking everyone by surprise.

Natsume wasn't happy. But he wasn't unhappy. He was just there, doing everything, on auto-pilot. A vast improvement, in the eyes of his friends. A tragedy, in the eyes of Serina. He had become a hollow man; head filled with facts, no better than straw. His voice was a dry voice, which whispered gruffly and passionlessly.

_This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
Not with a bang but a whimper._

"Christmas party at mine!" Koko exclaimed jubilantly, as he shuffled quickly into Natsume's flat, as soon as November disappeared.

"It's so cold," Mochu said, through chattering teeth. "You're heating better be on or else—"

"Christmas party?"

Luca looked at Natsume with an exasperated look. "His new tactic in Plan 'Get Sumire Shouda to take me seriously'."

Natsume frowned. "How will cooking a turkey make her take you seriously? That just makes you sound like a bigger joke than you already are."

Natsume hated Christmas. No surprise there.

On his birthday, neither Mikan nor his parents had called him. Only the people in the room, Serina and his little cousin had bothered to call. And in contrast, Jesus gets billions of people singing for him, on the date of his most-likely-historically-incorrect date of birth? Life was clearly not fair unless you were the esteemed son of God.

"Mistletoe. MIS-TLE-TOE. Come on!" Koko cried, as he took his scarf off along with his gloves. "It's a fail-proof plan. It's _THE_ PLAN. A bit of mulled wine, good food, Frank Sinatra Christmas collection, crackling fire, Baileys, and mistletoe equals _ho ho ho!_"

Kitsune-me smiled at Natsume, clapping him on the back familiarly. "Either way, we get food so don't complain."

Mochu grumbled about Natsume's house being too cold.

Natsume offered to get them all a drink. He went to the kitchen, and Koko followed him. Koko dangled his arm around Natsume, in a brotherly way. Natsume saw right through it – this was Koko's strategy to get what he wanted.

"What is it, Koko…" Natsume testily asked.

"Yeah. So, Christmas. You think you'll come?"

Natsume sighed. "Why not. I like Christmas food."

Koko beamed, clearly excited. "Excellent, excellent." His grip on Natsume tightened, before he let go of him completely. Then, in a forced casual voice, he mentioned, "I'm, well… I'm inviting Mikan."

Natsume didn't say anything. _Ah. _This explained the arm.

"I mean… I can't _not_ invite her. That's rude. She's my friend too…"

Natsume hadn't seen, heard, touched, smelt or tasted Mikan in a good few months. The swaying Mikan in his head started to dance; crescendo, crescendo—twirling like the storm in the snowglobe, the ballerina trapped in the small universe of snow—

"I understand."

Tentatively, Koko asked, "Does that mean you're not coming?"

Dare he? Dare he venture?

He stayed silent for a good few seconds. "I'll go."

Would this be for his sake, or Koko's sake? Or perhaps even Mikan's? After months being a coward and doing nothing, was it alright for him to suddenly pop up like a daisy in spring? Did Mikan want him to stay buried in the snow? Would she hate him even more if he appeared after all this time? Would she perhaps not come at all because of him?

Unaware of the unanswered questions in Natsume's head, Koko beamed, unable to contain his happiness. "That's great! 21st December. My crib. Bring wine if you can." Koko spun around, "Man, I'm so proud of you!"

Luca later told him he was also very proud of Natsume. It may seem patronizing, but that's what Natsume needed to hear. He called Serina and let him know of his decision. They both agreed it was a good idea.

_Why now? Where did this courage come from?_

HURRY UP, PLEASE IT'S TIME.

* * *

**A/N: **Please don't hate me too much for it being short. I'm still feeling so disorientated from the weekend, whoops.

**StarElsie: **Why did he kiss her? I suppose just to feeling something rather than nothing. Not that it did him any good. Thanks for the review!  
**AiramEnayle**: Ahhh! I'm sorry the chapters haven't been interesting or inspiring to you! But now I think about it, I never planned to make it inspiring as it is a tragedy. But not interesting, damn! Sorry! Any chance I could get some constructive criticisms about that? I'm always wanting to get better, so :) Mikan's opinions coming up next, in the last chapter. Thanks for your review!  
**Mystique0831**: Glad you liked my portrayal of Luna. She's the character I feel most sorry for. Thanks again for your review. See you in the last chapter!  
**darkang3Ld**: Sorry I didn't see you yesterday! I hope you had a good weekend. Anyway, thanks for your review!  
**xNatsuMikanx**: Yeah, I feel most of my readers would have stopped if they had sex... I wonder why though, as I don't view it as this holy and sacred ritual, but that's probably because I'm older than most of my readers (I think). I don't think Natsume would have been betraying Mikan, as they are broken up... I don't know, shmeh. Hope you enjoyed this short chapter. See you tomorrow for the last chapter!  
**MitsukaiYuki**: Your dedication to your fics and fans is inspiring! Makes me feel bad for not updating yesterday, whoops. And yup, Natsume just needs a kick in his ass, not therapy haha. They will meet in the next chapter, fear not!  
**AnimeMango**: No problem. I think most of you were so against it anyway, haha. Thanks for the review.

**More T.S. Eliot allusions. Yeah, if you hadn't already guessed from all the allusions and my penname... I'm kind of in love with him.**

**LAST CHAPTER COMING UP! **


	10. The Meaning of Life

**A/N: Don't own Alice Gakuen**

**Chapter 10: Meaning of Life**

* * *

The train had been delayed by five minutes due to the frost on the tracks, but he was still on time. Sitting next to strangers, he had read the complex book about astrophysics, hardening his nerves and ultimately his heart with facts.

The computerised lady's voice had announced loud and clearly the next station. That had been his cue to leave, and to give his seat to another.

His footsteps pounded the earth rhythmically, like steady drum. To go with this beat, Natsume started to quietly recite some facts.

_The glow of cosmic microwave background radiation,_

He arrived at Koko's all too soon.

Natsume took a deep breath.

Wine in a plastic bag, book in hand: Natsume was ready.

He knocked on the door.

—_which_ _is found throughout the universe, is thought to be a tangible remnant of leftover light from the big bang—_

All the facts melted away, and his heart softened, tender and sweet, like a newborn. Because there, standing in front of him, was Mikan, the door handle still in her hand, with a nervous smile on her lips. He did not expect to see her so early on, being notorious for her usual tardiness. She seemed to have expected him, though.

"Hello," she greeted.

Natsume felt goosebumps erupt on his arms at her very voice. "Hi."

"You never called."

Natsume didn't know how to respond. He was thrown straight into the deep end, and any excuse he could conceive sounded dumb. Mikan stepped back to let him in, before she offered to take his coat to hang. "Koko's burnt the turkey, so I'm on door duty."

Koko's panicked voice rang from the kitchen. "Hey Natsume! Make yourself at home!"

"Is it only us?" Natsume asked, as he unwrapped his scarf from his burning neck.

"So far. But everyone should be here soon."

Mikan tried to head back to the kitchen, away from her ex-boyfriend, but Natsume held her arm. She did not push him away like last time he tried to hold her. "Hey," he let go, when he saw her expression, "can we… can we talk? Before everyone gets here?"

Mikan hesitated, and looked in the direction of the kitchen. "Koko really needs help…"

"Please." Natsume begged, looking at her in a way that made her unravel and uncurl like a rose, desperate to be free. "Please. It's Christmas."

Mikan couldn't help but laugh. "I never thought you'd use _that_ against me. You hate Christmas."

"I do." Natsume confirmed, smiling slightly too. "But I'm still using the Christmas card against you."

Her expression had softened. Looking once again in the direction of the kitchen, she turned back to face him. "Let's go upstairs."

Up they climbed, Mikan leading the way, Natsume faithfully following her, his heart beating erratically.

"I should have spoken to you a long time ago." Natsume started, as Mikan sat down on Koko's bed. Natsume leaned on the wardrobe. "I'm sorry I didn't call that Friday, or any other day."

Mikan pressed her lips together before she said, "I think… I think we needed to break-up. I know I needed to grow up by myself. I'm sorry I sprung it up on you so suddenly… but I was so unhappy, and I just could tell you that. I couldn't. You were so happy... you were exactly where you wanted to be, top of your class, with a bright future ahead... I should have told you instead of being quiet about it, because, well, it all just bubbled, and ended with me storming out. I shouldn't have done that to you. I suppose it takes two grown ups to make a relationship work, and I just wasn't ready for you."

Natsume stayed silent. Here was the apology he wanted to hear, but did not really deserve. He was no more a grown up than Mikan.

"I knew you wouldn't call me. I know what you're like, Natsume. And I'm sorry that I caused… grief." By that, he knew she meant psychologically. "I know you well enough to know what kind of pains you must have felt."

Mikan started to play with her hair. A habit she succumbed to when she was nervous. Her hair was shorter, he noticed. Still pretty, always pretty, his little ballerina.

"I said I knew you wouldn't call. But I didn't call you either, so I can't be angry at you for that… I wanted to but… well. I couldn't. I needed to be alone, away from you."

"I-I… I was a stupid ass." Natsume blurted out, not knowing how else to say it. "I _should_ have called you."

"I know you hate phones."

Mikan understood, yes, of course she did! The only one who knew him so well, so intricately... yet he had let her down. He had done exactly as she feared.

"I went to visit you," Natsume confessed. He wasn't sure whether his friends had mentioned it to Mikan. Obviously not, as Mikan cocked her head in surprise. A good surprise? Was she happy to hear he tried in the early days to make an effort?

"You did? When?"

"Back in summer. But… you were with someone."

"What? Who?"

"A man... tall… lavender eyes…"

Recognition on her face; "Oh! Subaru? Hotaru's brother, you mean?"

Natsume felt sick. All this time… the weight of his mistake made him sink further down to hell. What idiocy – how unlike a scientist to jump to conclusions without concrete evidence! Fool, fool, fool! How could he be guilty of such a mistake...

"I thought… I thought he was…" The words were stuck in his throat.

Mikan stayed silent as she shook her head. Natsume gripped the book in his hand incredibly tightly. Books and facts may be his backbone, but he was still _just_ an idiot.

Mikan looked down at her hands in her lap. "I-," she started, before she took a deep breath, "I know you and Luna…"

That excruciatingly lonely, depressing and loveless night flashed like a nightmare. "No, no," Natsume tried to deny, "that was… that was nothing. We didn't sleep together. I'm not seeing her. I don't think anything of her… I just… we were both so alone and…"

Bravely Mikan looked at him straight on. Softly she said, "You don't need to lie, Natsume. You don't need to justify it."

"Mikan—"

"Even if you didn't have sex with her, it's really none of my concern. I have no right to be upset about it. Besides," she gently smiled, "we are not teenagers anymore. Nor are we religious. Sex is just sex. It's not a holy and exclusive act, restricted to married people. We don't think like that. You're a grown man."

He knew this. No matter, he wanted explain to Mikan – she was still a part of him after all. "I regret it. Please believe me when I say we didn't have sex. I'm not trying to collect your favour by saying this, it's just the truth. I mean, we were going to... but I couldn't. I couldn't. I… I regret the whole night so much. No, I regret everything; for being arrogant and cowardly in the first place… for just withdrawing, and becoming an apathetic recluse instead of getting up on my feet, to take one step at a time to change for you—"

"You can't change your character, Natsume—"

"I should have done for you."

Then, Natsume asked her a question that she did not expect. "Do you think there's a meaning to life?"

She blinked, but then she pondered about it sincerely. "Well. We're still very young, Natsume. I don't think you're supposed to know that answer until the day you die, on your deathbed. So, I think, to find a good answer, you should have a happy life, with little regrets and with the people you love around you."

Natsume thought about this. "But what if you were shot? What if you were hit by a truck?" Like Kuonji. "You wouldn't have time to figure out the meaning of life. You'd die before you know the Truth—"

Mikan laughed. "Natsume! Don't take everything I say so seriously. I don't _know _the meaning of life. No one does. _Truth? _What Truth? That's an incredibly vague word. You think the meaning of life, or the Truth is the same for every single living creature on this Earth, Natsume? Take Usagi," Luca's pet rabbit, "His eyeline comes just under our ankles. Take us: the view you see and the view I see are completely different just because you're tall and I'm short. When you think of my room let's say," he remembered her room well, and all of the happy memories such a small room contained, "and I think of my room, the image we have of it will be a few degrees different. Have you ever thought what life would be like to be Usagi? Not even necessarily to be, but to _see_ life as a rabbit? Or an ant? Or a whale? The world we all know are completely different. It's not the same world. Maybe all our perspectives combined is the _true_ world. I'm not sure, but either way, this _Truth_ you are looking is too large and obscure for us even to contemplate. It'd be arrogant for us to contemplate the meaning of life without encompassing other living creatures, and other worlds. We are _all _floating in this stream, individually, but together we make one and therefore all. Does that make any sense? The world's existence depends on your existence, as well as others. With death comes life, and with life comes death. We die, we decompose, and become nothing more than nutrients for plants. The cow eats the grass, we eat the cow, and it all begins and ends again."

"The food chain."

"Yes. That's all life is. Nothing in this world exists completely independently. We can't; our existence depends on the death of animals, the cutting of trees and plants, and air. The only thing that really separates humans from the real world are words; words limit reality, slicing it up to simplify matters. So, you wouldn't be living life if you were searching night and day for your whole life _for_ the definition _of_ life. It's ironic, I know. But that's why you just have to take it day by day, experiencing life, not trying to contain it in a sentence or paragraph." _  
_

Natsume assessed Mikan's words. God, he really did miss her. He should have listened to her in the first place. It took him a good few seconds to digest everything she had just said.

Quietly, Mikan concluded, "We are going to die someday, Natsume. So you might as well have a happy life rather than a wasted life."

He nodded, agreeing.

"Natsume. Are you happy?"

"Not really." He truthfully answered.

"Were you happy when you were with me?"

He looked up. "Yes." He stared intently at her.

Mikan encouragingly raised her eyebrow. "Then what are you waiting for?"

Panic seized him. Was she... could she be... but...

"I've grown up these past few months. A _lot_. I know what I want, I know who I am. I have a voice. I won't let your voice ever mute mine again. I'll fight from the start. If I can take on Freud in my dissertation, I can definitely take on you. But I will also listen from the start, if you promise to do the same."

"A-Are you asking me out?" Natsume questioned, overwhelmed.

"No." Mikan replied, "Are _you_ going to ask me out?"

_Yes yes yes yes. I'm ready. It's time, it's time. Yes yes yes yes. _

Natsume didn't quiet realise that time was passing and he hadn't said anything. Not discouraged, Mikan just smiled and stood up from the bed. "The turkey is starting to smell like soot. I'm going to go check it out."

"Wait!" Natsume begged, holding her hand. "Wait, please."

She clearly had no intention to go anyway; Mikan sat back down, pulling him along, to sit beside her.

He took a deep breath. "But you might say no—"

"But I might say yes."

"But I'm an ex-pyromaniac, depressed, arrogant and cowardly asshole—"

"You're an ex-pyromaniac; sometimes upset, sometimes very happy; incredibly intelligent, bordering arrogant at times; brave _grown up _man, who sometimes needs a push." Mikan took his hands in her warm hands. "Go on," she urged.

"Mikan. Will you be my girlfriend?" There was a pause. "Please?"

Mikan smiled. "Well, just because you said please I'm going to say yes." Natsume reacted immediately by pulling her into a tight embrace. The smell of her sweet hair delighted him.; he rubbed his cheeks against her hair, before he rested his forehead against hers. "We still have a lot to discuss though."

"I'll listen this time. I promise."

"That's all I want, Natsume." She pushed him ever so slightly, so she could wrap her arms around his neck to kiss him. A warm, beautiful kiss; a kiss that tasted of endless possibilities, hope and home. Her hands touched the nape of his neck, making his spine tingle, vertebrae by vertebrae.

"Let's get married." Natsume couldn't help but blurt out in between kisses.

"One step at a time!"

"Let's get married and have three kids."

"Slow down! I don't want kids yet—"

"Let's make a kid now."

Mikan laughed so hard, she threw her head back. "That is the most romantic way you've ever asked me to have sex with you. You silly, silly man."

"Is that a yes?" Natsume eagerly inquired. "By the way, I wasn't kidding about the proposal and the kids—"

"Like I said, we have a lot to discuss. If you want to bring the subject of marriage and kids on the table, we'll do that back at my place, or yours. Not on Koko's bed."

"… no sex on Koko's bed either?"

"No, Natsume. No sex on Koko's bed. We're better friends than _that_. Besides, you're going way too fast! Slow down!"

He simply just kissed her - he was soaring; he couldn't stop now! His heart, his very being was on fire; he was alive, with her, in this stream, together.

She was the only real thing in his life.

No, seriously.

Mikan Sakura was the only real thing in Natsume Hyuuga's life.

'Real thing'? What does that even mean? It meant, to Natsume Hyuuga, everything in life was exciting, meaningful and worthwhile with Mikan Sakura: to him, she was the only person truly tangible in this world, the only existence he cared about more than his own. Life with her was simply Monet with all its brilliant colours - the flowers blooming, the sky limitless and the lake eternal.

Mikan Sakura was the only real thing in Natsume Hyuuga's life.

* * *

**A/N: **Annnnnd cut! My summer project is done! I started this project feeling very melancholy, but I am happy as a bird now. Guess that's another cycle of life. Anyway, thank you so so so much for all your reviews thus far! You have no idea how much I appreciate it, honestly.

I hope you guys have an amazing end of summer.

Love,  
LS

P.S. Let me know what you guys thought. Too sweet? Sappy? Again, I wanted to end this on a sad note, but, my happy mood got the better of me. Ah well! You guys inspired me to make this inspiring, thus, the happy ending.

If you liked my story, please check out my other stories. My drabbles series is much less intense; easy quick reads about life in university... ;)


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